The purpose of a blog is to journal for yourself and share with others. To create an outlet for yourself to share and express. The good and the bad.
Today, isn't one of the better, easier, light-hearted days.
We were supposed to have a baby in February. With the holidays, a busy January at work and a blizzard, February crept right in without me noticing.
Until about 4:30 pm on February 2nd.
I was doing my normal routine after getting home from work. Put away clean dishes in the sink, unload lunch bag, change clothes, throw clothes in laundry room....then it hit me like a brick right there in the laundry room.
I couldn't move. I stood there frozen one hand on the laundry basket on top of the washing machine. I felt my heart sink and a lump form in my throat.
Oh, what our lives would've been like right now if things had turned out differently.
My paint projects wouldn't be spread around the back bedroom. Instead, it would be perfectly decorated and ready for either a baby boy or girl. We would've had Baby Showers with our friends and family by now. Monogrammed coming home outfits would've been ready. Insurance policy changes would be in the works. Maternity clothes would've taken over our closet. A shelf or two in the kitchen would be filled with bottle supplies and tiny bowls and plates for later on.
Life should be different.
But it's not.
Every pregnancy announcement we have heard since July (and there have been MANY) have each stung just a little. Not because we're upset, but just because of that little pest we call doubt. Why is it so easy for everyone else and not us? Why not us? I don't know what "easy" means when it comes to pregnancy. We are THRILLED for our friends and family members having babies. Regardless of our situation, babies are a blessing and we have to remind ourselves that as much as we are praying for our own children, these babies were prayed for by our friends and family members just as much. They are their expecting parents answered prayers.
But, it's February.
I think about our baby every day. I remember the range of emotions we experienced in those short weeks every day. The abundantly thankful, surprised and joyous hearts we had early one morning to the abundant amount of tears, shock and sadness we had late one night. The moment we saw our baby on a big monitor mounted on the wall and heart that precious heartbeat. I will NEVER forget that sound. In those moments, I have never been more thankful in my entire life. As months have passed, things have gotten easier, but the empty place in our hearts is still there.
Because it's February.
I pray for our baby every day. I know that he or she is living a perfect life now in a far better place than Stephen and I had planned for him or her.
Our baby was due on February 25th. We've not decided yet, but we've tossed around the idea of having our families together that night for dinner and sharing prayers. I don't want the day to go by as just a normal day. Because it's not just a normal day. I know that due dates are just an estimate, and our baby could've very well been born in March. But for us, February 25th is all that we'll ever have. A day that we were anxiously awaiting. A day that would change our families' lives forever. A day of great blessings.
For now, we continue to have faith and pray continually knowing that God's plan is working, we just have to be steadfast and patient.
I shared this passage from 1 Peter in my post back in August, and I read it almost daily still as it has given me so much comfort during the hardest moments of every day life.
"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold - though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love Him even though you have never seen Him. Though you do not see Him now, you trust Him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting Him will be the salvation of your souls."
We have been blessed with loving families and supportive friends through this process. We have so many people on our side and praying for us. The encouragement we have received in the past few months has been overwhelming. I'm not sure how we would've made it through without these people. God has placed the right people in our lives at the right times.
Life should be different; but even though it's not, it's still pretty wonderful.